Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
