That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
