is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
