nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
