No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
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