we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
