Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
