I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
