The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
