you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
