I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
