just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
