I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
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