shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
