How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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