I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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