You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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