i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
This house was built for laser tag.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
