I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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