Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
