How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
