update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
