So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
