I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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