it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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