Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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