Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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