apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
