you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
