you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
