I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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