At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
