If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
