New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
