Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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