My hand turned me down
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
