Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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