How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
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