i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
