I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
