So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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