omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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