She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
