I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
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