remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
