things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
