my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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