I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Found your dick twin last night
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
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