between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Im part way to drunk.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
