so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
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